Airing my dirty laundry

23/03/11

So after 3 weeks of disappointing results, I have had to force myself to stay positive. I have had to force myself to continue to eat right. I have had to force myself to get out of bed and exercise. I have had to force myself to STOP so that I don’t fall into my old bingeing habits. I have had temptation in my path. Sometimes I have given in but most times I haven’t. I have tracked even on those times that I have given in to temptation. It is so easy for me to fall back into old patterns. One little treat here & there can easily turn into one massive binge. Especially if I have had a stressful or upsetting day. I have had to rid my house of all high point foods like chips (my nemesis) and replace it with rice cakes (my saviour!) and nuts. Sometimes all I want is some chips and no amount of fruit is going to cure that craving! Being able to reach for some low PP things has meant even on the days that I do come home from work, which seems to be my worst time, and want to stuff my face I have healthy low PP things to do it with.
I have struggled with Bulimia in the past so for me to overcome these binges is something that is going to take work. It is not going to be something that is going to be cured overnight or in a few days or even weeks. This is something that is very deep seated in my past. Over the years I have been able to gain control over it somewhat to the point that I have not made myself sick in quite a few years however the other side of it, the bingeing is not so easy to control. I guess that this is what has caused me to gain so much weight over the years. Even when I was doing a lot of exercise, my eating was out of control. This meant that I never lost any weight. At my worst I could go through fast food drive through & order 2 meals (pretending that they weren’t both for me you see) eat them in secret in a quiet street or in a car park where no one could see me like some seedy drugo. I would then go home & pretend that I hadn’t had anything to eat & have to eat dinner on top of it. It was as if I didn’t have that full signal. After wards I would feel so guilty & sick to my stomach about what I had done. Of course then I would be sick & it would all be okay again. Except of course that it wasn’t.
I can honestly say that I am past that point in my life. Even the thought of it makes me look back at the old me with disgust. I know that I never want to be that person again. It was not me. It was the sick me. I am healing. I am getting stronger every day. I don’t care if I have 10 STS in a row. WW WILL WORK!!! I just need to look at people like Paula & Bel & other ladies on here that have done it for my inspiration. I don’t care how long it takes I will get there.