Mirror Mirror

16/03/11

Isn’t it funny how your eyes & brain don’t match up sometimes? When I was 85.5kgs & I looked in the mirror, I looked past the rolls of fat, stretch marks, wobbly bits and that annoying overhang from when I had my babies & just saw what I wanted to see. Features that weren’t so bad like my eyes and hair. I wore clothes that I liked & didn’t think much about how they looked on me. I wasn’t self conscious of how I looked except if I was wearing something tight fitting or swimmers. I didn’t think I looked great but I certainly didn’t think I looked that bad. Photos were another story. I hated myself in photos. They always seemed to catch me unaware or at a bad angle.
So now I am 79.8kgs. When I look in the mirror I am embarrassed by what I see. My tummy although it looks slightly smaller especially the overhang bit (actually that has almost disappeared) is still so flabby & wide. The tree trunk arms & thighs. Photos are different now though. For the first time I am seeing that I actually have a jaw bone. I can see the tone in my arms. When I sit in a familiar seat I can tell that I don’t take up so much of it. So why is it now that I am now more self conscious than what I was? When I look in the mirror I see the same fat girl looking back at me. If I be honest some days I actually feel like I am bigger than what I was. I know that is not true. I have taken my measurements so I know that I am shrinking slowly but surely. But when I look in the mirror I just can’t see it! So was it that I just didn’t see myself before. Did I not see that I had let myself get so fat? Maybe now I am really seeing myself for the first time. It’s scary to see how much I want to change until I am happy with myself…

I guess all I can do is keep on doing what I am doing & hope that my brain & body catch up soon!